This week’s blog is sparked by a recent conversation I had with my client about asking for a pay rise.
Lindsay (for her privacy, this is not her real name) has been running a multi-million dollar start-up as a managing director for several years. The company has been doing extremely well in the last 12 months and for all her hard work, long hours and personal scarifies, she feels it is time to ask for more and she wanted some coaching to prepare her for the conversation with her boss.
What makes this really interesting is that the conversation we had was actually not about HOW to get a pay rise.
You’ll see what I mean next.
After listing a number of very reasonable, rational and critical factors, she told me how much she was planning to ask for. But then I asked her, how much you actually think you are worth for this company in the current market?
Without a pause, she named a figure that is 20K more than what she just told me.
I asked her why she didn’t say that higher figure first?
Then, she took a pause.
She told she is very confident to get that lower figure, but it may be a bit out of her character to ask for the higher one.
I said, “You mean asking for what you really think you are worth?”
I guess that question or in fact, a statement that really hit home.
I think many of us can relate to this. Even though if you are confident with your work, talent, relationships, track record and everything else, the ASKING part is not as easy or directly proportional to how good you think you are in your job.
I then asked her to imagine the following scenario – please forgive me if you don’t like this kind of example because it feels political incorrect or cliche – but both my client and I TOTALLY got what we are really talking about.
I find asking for a pay rise is an act that requires more of masculine energy and so the scenario will be set as such. So here it goes:
Prom Night is coming up. You want to ask someone out as a date.
There are 2 girls you have in mind.
Mary: a nice and friendly girl that you get along well, and she seems to like you A LOT. You feel there is a 99% chance that she will say YES if you just ask her.
Kate: She is just simply an amazing girl at school, you get along well too, but you feel she may be slightly out of your league, so to speak, but you really like her and you two just “click” somehow. You are not sure about your chances partly because you REALLY want to ask her.
At that point, Lindsay laughed at my silly example. Knowing her, I know she would say, of course, I will ask “Kate”.
I know it is a silly example but it got us over that hurdle when we are overly self-conscious about money and self-worth. You can’t put a number on how much you like a person, you can only judge that with your heart.
If you settle for a “safe” option, you will never know how far you can go.
So here are my top 3 tips for Asking For More in life:
Trust Your Heart
Start with a really honest conversation with your heart, not a very clever calculation with your head. Use your intuition and listen to what your heart asks you to do. Then, take action to move forward, step back or just pause. Your heart will know the when, how and even how much! Stay some quiet time to meditate, pray or go for a long nature walk alone. Figure out what is that your heart calls you to do, and then formulate the steps with your mind after.
Asking from a place of love, not fear.
Let’s say you want to get married because you feel drawn to make that scared commitment and want to honour and celebrate the person you love versus you find everyone else around you are getting married and you say to yourself “I am not getting any younger…”. or consider the pay rise scenario again, you ask because you heart tells you it is time to do so, not because you feel someone else just has a promotion and you don’t want to feel you are less than or “behind”. From a spiritual perspective, all minds are joined. Our consciousness is connected, not separate. When you hold the space of love, people who interact with you can feel it. When you bear fear, such as the feeling of jealousy, shame, guilt or anger, people can feel it too.
Detach from the outcome
From a place of love and possibility, you have now asked for what your heart truly desires. Then, the next step is for you to let go. Fair enough, there may be inspired actions you want to follow up with, but the key here is not to force the outcome or fixated on how things you think SHOULD turn out. When you are obsessed with the outcome, and especially if you get a “No”, or “Not Now”, you won’t be able to see the bigger picture or the silver lining. When a door closes, another door open. You just never know what the universe has in store for you next!
I have some availability for a few coaching spots in Oct and Nov, and if you would like to get a coaching session/s with me, simply email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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