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I remember those days when I was single, losing my patience and feeling sorry over unsuccessful relationships. I was not sure how to go back to dating and felt totally stuck at where I was.
I wish I have met Crista back then!
She made it sounds so fun and got me super excited about dating again! Well, this is more for the single ladies out there, as I am happily married, but I cannot help it but to cheer you on the side!
If you are single and wondering how can you find real love, then this episode is totally for you!
Crista Beck is a love & dating expert & coach with over 10+ years of experience in helping single women to find true love in real life. Her message has been heard by over a million people globally. Crista Beck, known as the “Love Radar” has been featured on ABC, NBC, FOX, and TEDx. She is the author of the bestselling book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself of Fairytale Fantasies and Find True Love In Real Life.
In this paradigm-shifting dating guide, Crista Beck shows us how to stop Hollywood and Disney from ruining our love lives so we can find love in real life. Break The Glass Slipper is her antidote to the myths about the process of dating that have infected modern society and the minds of single people, sabotaging our ability to attract a healthy and happy long-term relationship.
It was an absolute joy to interview Crista and talked about dating coma and fairytale fantasies. What she has discovered with her years of experience she put into the book and her coaching work to help women getting back to their date scene. She coaches women to find healthy long-term relationships.
She makes dating sounds so fun and “do-able” especially for those who may have been put off or haven’t been dating for 2, 5 or even 10 years!
It is all about taking the baby step!
If you would like to take a baby step towards your next relationship today, you can also take her free Love IQ quiz at https://datingiqquiz.com
Or you can get her book Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself of Fairytale Fantasies and Find True Love In Real Life here at http://cristabeck.com/break-the-glass-slipper/
If you would like to contact Crista Beck and learn more about her work and coaching, please visit http://cristabeck.com/
Episode Notes:
- In Break the Glass Slipper, you expose the societal fantasies about dating and relationships. How did you discover these?
- What are the top unhealthy fantasies that single women buy into?
- How do we truly know who and what qualities we want?
- What do you say to “He is not my type” when we don’t even know our type or we think we know?
- How can our single listeners/viewers find love (even If they are not meeting the right people)?
- THE single most important thing we need to know in order to find real love.
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Transcript
Sze Wing: Hi everyone. I am so happy to be doing this interview with Crista Beck, a love & dating expert & coach with over 10+ years of experience. I’m so excited, really. I wanted to talk to a love and dating expert and coach for ages. And then you came through with so many recommendations and I know that you’re also an author with your book, “Break The Glass Slipper”. So I’m just so thrilled. So first of all, welcome Crista.
Crista: Thank you for having me.
Sze Wing: I have already jumped the gun and mentioned that you’re an author, and your message has been heard by over a million people globally and you are known as a “Love Radar”, you’ve been featured on ABC, NBC, FOX and TEDx. Actually I think more networking that… Anyway, the list is long. You have over 20,000 hours of meditation as well as being an award-winning violinist. So wow. You’ve been working as an expert and coach in this area for more than 10 years.
Sze Wing: So I’m guessing you are multi-passionate being. And busy women who just love doing what you do and love life. And as I mentioned before, she’s also the author of the best selling book, Break The Glass Slipper, Free Yourself Of Fairytale Fantasies And Find True Love In Real Life. So it’s very important, “true love” in “real life”. And I know that is a paradigm-shifting dating guy where you show us how to stop sort of like the Hollywood or fairytale fantasies and how to prevent them from that sort of thinking, ruin our love life so we can actually find true love and be real. And so, I just love everything that you seem to be writing and doing and obviously helping a lot of single people, to attract healthy and longterm relationships. So welcome to my show.
Crista: Thank you for having me on your show. I’m really excited. Hello. Hello everyone. Hello Australia.
Sze Wing: I’m talking to people from different parts of the world and often what I find is that the message is very similar if you’re on the same path where in this case finding true love, breaking all the fantasies, the limiting beliefs. I often find the message really resonated no matter where you are, as long as you’re ready. So first of all, I really wanted to ask you about your book, because you expose those sort of society’s fantasies about dating relationships. So how did you discover this and how did it all come together?
Crista: Well, as I said, I’ve been working with single people for over 10 years, so I’ve had a lot of phone calls, talking to single people, hearing about their problems, hearing about what’s getting in their way. And I’m very data-driven and I love writing down what everybody says.
Crista: And, and I started to know this pattern over years of doing this, these similar patterns, these similar stories, that people were telling me, the reasons why they thought they were still single. And once I gathered all these data, I started to see the same similar stories over and over again. And so the book is actually a compilation of the top 10 stories that people tell themselves of the reasons why they’re single. And in the book, I actually call these stories fairytales. And in my definition of a fairytale is a story that’s intended to deceive. And so, as I started to do more research as to look why do people even believe these fairytales about themselves, about love, about dating, and why do they keep believing this? I started to find the culprit and it wasn’t actually too hard to find. But that people around the world are constantly watching movies, TV, media, and we’re inundated with these messages, from movies and televisions about what love is and how it’s supposed to go.
Crista: And so that’s why I decided to write the book is because I really wanted to help single women to be able to free the single… Yes, I did write the book for single women, but it really could… Anyone could read the book and get the value of it, but I really specifically wanted to free single women of these fairytale fantasies, that really get in the way of them finding a real connection with a quality person.
Sze Wing: So I guess it will lead to my second question. So the culprits like that… What are the top unhealthy fantasies? I’m sure my head bought into a few of them because there was a period of time that I was single as well. So what was that like you think if you have to share with us a few?
Crista: Yes, sure. Well, in the book I do go into 10 of them, so you definitely have to get the book to hear all, to really do a deep dive into all of them. But I would say that pretty much the number one that I heard over and over again was people really actually believe this. They really think love will magically happen. They think they don’t need to do anything. They’re just going to go along and just like a Hollywood movie or just like a Disney movie. They’re just going to magically meet someone and then love will magically ensue. And, what I’m busting up in the book is this fairytale to really interrupt that. Because what happens is, I go into this in more detail in the book, but people fall into a dating coma, they bite this poisonous apple of that, love’s just going to magically happen. They buy that fairytale, they buy that story and then it puts them to sleep. You know, just like sleeping beauty, you’re just like snow white.
Crista: And the dating coma is when single people believe these fairytales so much so that they completely stopped dating. They completely don’t put themselves out there, they wake up, they get ready, they go to work, they come home and then they sit on the couch, maybe drink a glass of wine and watch movies.
Sze Wing: By themselves.
Crista: By themselves, yes. And then it just keeps going. And then so many single people come to me, they say, “I thought it would have happened by now.” Women in their 30s reach a point, they’re like, “I really thought that this was going to happen.”
Crista: And the reason why this is happening is that they believe this unhealthy fantasy but love is not just going to happen with no effort on your part.
Sze Wing: I love that because I think, when I’m thinking back when I was younger, there’s a period of time when you burn your hands, in university or college or high school, whatever, it’s easier because you’re meeting young people, single people all the time. But when you’re in the workforce, often it’s not the case unless you’re very active socially. There’re times that you really go to work, go home, make dinner, watch Netflix. Right? And then when you burn your hand a couple of times, then you get scared. You don’t want to go out there. And then there’s a lot of spiritual saying out there suggest they should follow the flow and it will happen … To put it together, I’m scared already and I don’t have time and so great it can magically happen.
Sze Wing: I do believe in effort and say you need to force anything. I understand you can’t force things to happen but I do believe in putting in an effort. This is something that I totally identify with. So, okay. I can’t help myself to a sidetrack. So people come to you and say, Oh no. Okay, so what do I do next? So what do you tell people when they say, okay Crista, I want to find someone now I understand what you’re saying. So help me, what do I do next?
Crista: Okay. Like, how should take action you mean? Okay, I’m ready to turn off the Netflix. I’m ready to start getting out there. I think the main thing is, people really need to be clear about what they want. And I do find that I would say most people don’t know what they want, but there’s a lot of people who think they know what they want, but I also put them in the category of they don’t know what they want because everybody wants the same thing. Right? When I asked single people what they want, they say, I want someone good looking, someone’s successful, someone who is funny. But everybody wants that, right? and a lot of people will say, well, I’m just going to know them when I need them, that it’s going to be some magical chemistry, this spark, and that’s what they base their dating decisions on.
Crista: But the first thing when people work with me is like we get really laser-focused on the kind of person that really would make a great longterm partner for them in the longterm. And I would say about 95% of people actually don’t do the work to really get grounded, in who would actually be a true partner. But that means, going into reality instead of the fantasy because we’re just so inundated with the fantasy and to date from this fantasy perspective. That people don’t even know actually the importance of getting real crystal clear. Just like if you were to start a business or a job, you need to know what the job that you’re looking for. You need to know where it is going to be. You need to know what they’re, what they’re looking for. You need to know what you’re looking for, and if you just go and put yourself out there for a general type job, then you’re just going to get a general type job.
Crista: So people really need to be based in reality around like what in dating instead of the fantasy. We’re inundated with the fantasies and they influence how we’re going to make our dating decisions. I’m inviting people to really just get grounded in reality in what you want and what you need. And also in reality of what it really takes to be in a relationship, it takes more than just feeling attracted and having chemistry with someone.
Crista: It takes more than just thinking they’re attractive. It takes more than that. And so what I work with my clients is I help them to get really grounded in what it is they really needed. And that’s why I created my dating compass process because then they know which direction they go. Then they know how to sort, then they know where to go.
Crista: And that’s one of the biggest questions I get. “Where do I go to meet this person?” You know when you get grounded in your dating compass and knowing what it is you really need and want, then it’s easier to get strategic like, “Oh, well if it’s this kind of person then I know to go here, here and here.” So that’s one of the main core foundational practices. I would call them a law, like the law, have to work with me.
Crista: It’s like we need to like get really crystal clear beyond demographical information about what it is you truly value and need in a partner.
Sze Wing: I love it because I completely agree with you. When you wishy-washy you with your goals, your dreams, you get wishy-washy results and even though you say you want a person XYZ when it’s actually not true when that person appears, it doesn’t quite work out, and then you get discouraged. So I love your approach to be really clear, really grounded and take the approach of putting some effort. So once you know, say you really like a, I don’t know, bookworm type of person and then you know where to look as you say, because now you understand what type of person you are, you can have the next step action.
Crista: Well, we could go even deeper than that. I love that you brought up bookworm because that would be something someone initially would say, but then I would go a little deeper.
Sze Wing: What kind of bookworm?
Crista: Well, it’s not even that like, so what is the bookworm mean? What kind of person are they? Do they value learning? Are they practical? I like to go below the surface because bookworm may mean something and I love that you use that example, but it’s really like, it’s really helpful for women to be like, “Yeah, actually I do want to be with someone who values learning because I love learning and I want to be with someone who also loves learning because then we can passionately explore life together.”
Crista: But a lot of people don’t get to that place. They just stay at the superficial attraction and good looking, and a good resume. But when they’re not grounded and like, “Wow, actually that’s a top priority for me to be with someone who values learning.” Then it’s a whole other ball game of where would you actually go to meet that person? It’s just a different, more grounded, more strategic way to date.
Sze Wing: Wow. I really like it because I can imagine this scenario where when you dig deeper and say, “What kind of bookworm.? Okay, learner. So then you started to help them to discover what actually they want or need, and then what happened when they turn around like, “No, no, no, no Krista, I still want my Mr Charming, Prince charming. I don’t want someone who is so practical. I want someone romantic.”
Sze Wing: Because you said early on, sometimes people think they think they know what they want, but actually, in reality, may not actually suit them or there’s not best for them and so forth. That’s why sometimes relationships don’t work out. So what do you say to them when they like, “Hold on a minute, but you know I prefer that even though you make me realize I’m this.” So what do you do with these type of people?
Crista: I give them a little love spanking and so really, well, one in the process of helping people get clarity it starts to unravel that Prince charming myth. You know a lot of women, we’ve been inundated with that from Disney movies that there’s just someone that’s going to come along and we’re actually going to see hearts and we’re actually going to hear birds. We’re going to feel that pitter-patter and he’s just going to whisk me off my feet and take me on this romantic thing. And then I’m just going to know.
Crista: And when women are on the dating scene and they don’t have that experience, women actually think that this man is not a good fit for them. They actually will text him back and say, “Oh sorry, I just don’t think we’re a good fit, but good luck. You’re such a good guy.” But here’s the problem with that is because we’ve been inundated with this fantasy that you’re just going to know it’s going to be magical. There’s going to be this chemistry, he’s going to whisks me off my feet, that we actually don’t take the time to really invest time in getting to know someone and developing a connection with them.
Crista: And so I encourage my clients to actually go slower with dating. They don’t need to make a decision right away on the first date. Whether they’re going to need to know if they’re going to marry someone and to not have this high bar, this high expectation that you’re going to be so blown away by this person. And that’s how you’re going to know. No, you’re going to know if someone’s a good quality fit for you if you get to know who this person is over time. And so that’s one of the things I like to teach people is allow love to blossom over time.
Crista: Go on the second date, go on the third date. Allow the connection between the two of you to really develop, you know? And so I feel like that’s a really more grounded, realistic way to approach dating than this magnetism magical whisk you off your feet. Because there’s a lot of great men out there that are not going to whisk you off your feet, but they’re going to make great partners, but they just don’t know how to do that prince Charming whisk you off her feet thing. But that doesn’t mean that they should be rejected because they’re not charming.
Crista: There’s a lot of guys out there that are super charming and they know how to manipulate women and they will do the Prince charming thing, but then they will drop you out of the pumpkin at midnight with muddle over your face.
Sze Wing: Wow. That doesn’t look good to me.
Crista: No.
Sze Wing: I was putting up my hand and those who are listening would not be able to watch this. But I was living in the fantasies and usually, fantasies type of relationships are great at the first, I don’t know, one, two, three months later and then you start to see things just deteriorating. It is actually what happened when my husband, it’s a similar story where many people were telling me on the side similar advice like you and I also started to think, “Well, maybe I should approach this differently.” But most importantly we were friends and I started to discover his qualities and then he’s like, not that Mr Charming, but qualities takes some time to uncover, you know? And therefore, because we were friends, we were dance partner actually. Then when people elbow me like, “Is he charming?”
Sze Wing: I was like, “No, it’s not my type.” You label it for yourself. And then, later on, discover, “Oh, this guy is quite nice. He’s got this good quality, that good quality.” And then one day I just looked at him like, “Is there something between us that we need to talk about?” I dropped the ball, everybody laughed at my approach. I don’t know. I think I’ve got nothing to lose. We were friends and you know he has seen my best and worse. He was like, “No.”
Sze Wing: And then I’m like, “Oh sorry.” I thought, “What the heck?” So I said, “Is there something between us? And then his face was just like, “I’m such a good guy. Please don’t kill me.” And I just knew, okay so that was something there, right?
Sze Wing: That’s how I started. There were no illusions. I have to give myself a chance to get to know someone. Sometimes we so quick like tick, tick, tick, cross, cross, cross. You are not good enough. You are not my type thoughts, which I think really affected all of us though. I love what you said.
Crista: Yeah. I mean “he’s not my type” is definitely something I discuss in the book as well as a fantasy, like a fairy tale. People get so attached to their type and what they think. But here’s the thing. If you’ve been single for a long time and you have a type, I mean your type hasn’t worked out for you, so why are you so attached to it? Why don’t you let go of what you think your type is and just expand being connected to men outside your type?
Crista: Because the saddest part about that fairy tale is that some women get the first date, but they don’t get the second date. But when you are so attached to your type, you don’t even get the first date with someone who actually could be a good fit, but they don’t come in the package that you think that they should be coming in, but they could be. Have you feel loved, adored, be in alignment with your values and everything, but they don’t look the way you think and so they’re out. So many women miss out on some really great partners that way. Potential partners.
Sze Wing: So, okay, let’s recap a little of this. So we need to get really clear about what we want. We dig deep, we drill down, we get rid of the fantasies, we come into reality. You help us to understand ourselves better and then we try to be strategic about finding love. So, okay, so that’s where we’re at. And then what’s next? So how do you help people? Because, okay, “No, I know, I know Krista, I know what to do.” But then going out to meet guys for some people who haven’t been dating for a long time or nothing worked out. So then how do you help them to overcome that first step? So, okay, now you’re ready to go. You are clearer now. You get rid of all of these previous stories. How do you help me to get through the door?
Crista: Well, I mean that’s the big reason why people actually hire me because they are really scared of dating and they don’t know what they’re doing. And so having someone to hold their hand and to guide them through the process actually has people feel more supported and grounded in the same way if people want to get the six-pack abs or get the big muscles, they hire a coach or a trainer that’s just with them because on their own they probably wouldn’t do it.
Crista: So one way is to definitely hire a coach. It could be me or someone else, who really holds you accountable and to guide you through the steps to have dating be easier. But in terms of people just listening, who maybe are curious about hiring a coach or don’t know what to do next. I mean the main thing is to just take baby steps and get into action, to really bust up that fairy tale that love’s just going to magically happen because it’s not. You need to put yourself out there. So if it is just, finding out the app that you feel most comfortable with going on the app. Or if it’s going to a luxurious hotel dressing up and sitting there with a fashion magazine and just allowing yourself to have some alone time and see who approaches you.
Crista: It’s anything that you need to do to just start. If it’s like maybe joining a club that maybe there’s some hobby that you have been putting off and instead of staying home, why don’t you go do that hobby? It’s really just about creating some little baby momentum, baby steps each day to kind of move that energy forward. I do believe that action is energy and when you’re not taking action, your energy gets stagnant. So even if you’re just taking little steps, it starts to create momentum for you and then you start to get into the habit of dating.
Crista: Dating is a habit and that’s why I talk a lot about the dating coma, which some people call it a dating sabbatical. It’s just pretty much taking a break from dating. Like people have a breakup and they’re like, “Okay, I’m taking a break,” which I totally get for a few months or even up to a year, depending on how long the relationship was. But then that dating sabbatical or that dating coma, can last for like one year and then you get out of the habit of dating and then that’ll last two years and then five years.
Crista: I have people come to me that haven’t dated for nine, 10 years, they’re completely out of the habit of dating. They have no idea where they need to start. It feels overwhelming. Maybe they’ve tried a little bit, but they’re not meeting the right people. So that’s why it’s really important to have someone that’s really positive and knows the ins and outs of dating to be able to support and being able to take that to the next level. If you are really experiencing like you don’t know what you’re doing or you’ve been taking a lot of action and you’re not getting any results. You know you may be doing something or not doing something and one little tweak, one little insight could be like, “Ah, I didn’t realize I was doing that.” That’s like busting. That’s why I’m not getting the second date. I had no idea.
Sze Wing: That was so helpful. I can imagine a lot of listener out that think to themselves like, “Oh, maybe that’s what I need to figure out.” So this is so, so, so helpful. And I loved where you talked about baby steps because I think the universe responds to you through your action, not your words, not your thinking that may happen someday. So you still need to take your action. You know, for those who may be a little uncomfortable to get out of the house just yet, they still need a bit more warmup and guidance.
Sze Wing: So I know you got your book, so your book can help us to get started as a step, isn’t there anything else? You’ve got a coaching program. I’m sure because you’re a coach and you got anything else that you can share with us that can help us to take the first baby steps?
Crista: Okay. I have a great little baby step. I mean I love the idea of them buying the book Break the Glass Slipper, they can get it at, breaktheglassslipper.com and it’s an easy read and it’s really engaging, and that’ll help them break their myths so they could see what’s actually stopping them. But a great easy little tool that can help them wrap their head around dating. I do have a dating IQ quiz and you can go directly to datingiqquiz.com or they can go to my website, cristabeck.com. But the dating IQ quiz, it just takes four minutes and that four minutes of taking the test, every person gets to see where they’re measuring up with dating and then where they’re not measuring up with the dating.
Crista: So then they can start to see for themselves what’s been missing for them or they can feel good about, “Oh, I have been doing these things.” But it’s a way for them to really see their dating IQ and to see how they can improve it. I don’t believe that you stay stuck in your dating IQ. Your IQ can definitely be improved.
Sze Wing: I mean it’s just like anything else with effort and a little bit of tweak, and a little bit of help you can definitely improve no matter what that is. So I think this is just brilliant baby step-wise and so I’m going to include all the links you mentioned about the Love IQ quiz.
Sze Wing: and your book and your website in the details of this podcast and the blog post, so this is so exciting. I really think people who are single and wondering what’s wrong or what has been happening and maybe on the verge of losing hope, I hope this podcast and video can help people to maybe think a little differently and take a baby stop. And that’s how everything begins, right?
Crista: It really does take one little baby step. Even if you just devote 30 seconds a day, I’m like, “Okay, 30 seconds I’m going to devote to my love life. What’s the step?” And then you do it and then you just keep doing that. Maybe you increase the two a minute the day after. As long as you’re doing those little, little micro-movements, it’ll start to build momentum for you. It’s really powerful.
Sze Wing: And magical.
Crista: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Because Love’s not going to happen for you unless you’re creating opportunities for love to happen.
Sze Wing: That’s so true. Well, thank you so much, Crista, for today.
Crista: No, thank you.
Sze Wing: I’m so happy to have you here, and I really feel you make dating seem fun and approachable and not so scary. And I’m sure a lot of people will love to work with you.
Crista: Aw, well, I would love to work with them and it’s been so nice to be here with you. Sze Wing.
Sze Wing: Thank you.
Crista: Yeah, you’re welcome.
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