Embrace Adversity with Courage and Heart

My guest today is Alexandra Gould. I came across Alex’s Facebook post online in a personal development /life coaching group, and I was blown away by her courageous journey with a very serious health challenge since she was six years old. Alex had over a dozen facial surgeries since she was a teenager, but nothing I’ve heard came from a victim mentality, only a brave and beautiful mature woman. She embraces her own vulnerability and adversity with such honesty and grace. I just had to interview her, so I reached out to her, and that is how I got her to be my guest today! I am really excited to share this interview with you. Alex is a life coach and mother of two (twins!) based in New Jersey, USA.

I absolutely love our conversation, there is so much I’ve learned from Alex and I hope you will enjoy listening to this podcast or watching our video too. You’ll also find the transcript below as well.

Interview Summary:

Alex’s journey of experiencing a serious illness that causes atrophy on one side of her face from the age of six.

What more than a dozen facial surgeries and recovery challenges have taught her over the years about adversity and victim mentality

How she got inspired to become a life coach to empower others who may also be experiencing hard challenges or tragedies in life

What she has gained as a woman and a mother by having been knocked down so many times since a young age

Despite all the challenges in life, there is still a lot what we can control, like how we respond to adversity and model for others

Why is it so important to surround yourself with the right people who see the best in you and the story of meeting her husband

Choose to focus on not just your strength but to accept who you are as well

Self-acceptance is a choice that we can make internally, no matter what is going on externally

We cannot compare the magnitude of a challenge from one person’s perspective to another, we must treat each other with compassion and respect

The first two years of being a mother to her twins were all about being on survival mode and then finding a balance between work and home life.

We are not enlightened masters who got it right 24/7 but we can cultivate strong resilience to bounce back and do the best we can

When negativity or anxiety comes up, instead of pushing it away, look at it with curiosity, ask yourself, what is it trying to tell me?

Part of building confidence is getting out of your comfort zone, and we often don’t know what it means to others and we should avoid assuming how they feel

When you are nervous (e.g. public speaking) focus on your service or message. It’s not about you but who you can help

If you would like to connect with Alex, please go to
https://www.instagram.com/coachingwithalexandra/
https://www.facebook.com/CoachingwithAlexandraB/
https://daretoprevailcoaching.com/

Video

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Transcript

Sze Wing:	hi, everyone. I’m really happy to do this interview today. So today my guest here is Alexandra Asanovic Gold, and I call her Alex. And a little short introduction how this all happened. Because I will say this is a slightly different interview in my podcast than before.
Sze Wing:	I actually connect with Alex online on our Facebook community, and I saw one of her Facebook post and I was just blown away. And we were both in that group called Best Day Ever with Mel Robbins. So if you don’t know who Mel Robbin is, she’s a really, really awesome coach. Hopefully, we’ll talk about her in a minute. I really love her work, and I read all her books. And then I joined this program, and when I saw Alex post and I just really saw how everyone is doing and saying hi and all that stuff. But her post is just something that really moving for me because she has a very courageous journey with her own health challenges. And I just felt that I really want to connect with her, interview her to share her story because I think a lot of people in my community will benefit from listening to other people’s journey and also get more inspired. And I think one of the things that I talk about a lot recently is about vulnerability and adversity but how you embrace that with grace and honesty is something remarkable, I think, everyone can learn from. So I just reach out and try to get her to get an interview with me. And this is why we’re here today.
Sze Wing:	Alex is an 8th-grade math teacher and also a life coach. But that’s about it that I know about – also a mother – and I think that’s about it. And I know you’re based in New Jersey. But I don’t know a lot more so I’m really excited to talk to you, Alex, welcome to my show!
Alex:	Yes. Thank you so much for having me, I’m really excited to be here.
Sze Wing:	So, first of all, I think I wanted to actually ask you myself. So what prompted you to join Mel Robbins Best Decade Ever? Because both you and I are coaches. So obviously we do work on our personal development. But what drew you to join Mel’s group? And also, particularly, when you do the introduction, it was a very brave note. So tell us a little bit more about it.
Alex:	Yeah. So, actually, the reason, as you said as a coach, I feel like, self-development has always been something that I pursue and had been very interested in. And just the psychology of why people do what they do when they do. And then once I actually decided to become a coach myself, it became very much just the act of learning. Just what could I actually learn from other people? And as you said before, Mel Robbins. I love Mel Robbins. I happen to come across her on Instagram. And I thought to myself, is she related to Tony Robbins, motivational coach? And he’s someone that I followed, and I’ve learned a lot from him as well. But I came across her and just loved I was just drawn to her and her message and just being bold and courageous and going out there and no excuses. And so when I came across her, I use her as a mentor, almost. And since I became a life coach, it’s really been my mission just to gain value for my clients. And so learning has been always, since I started becoming a life coach, just pursuing that yield and learning more and gaining insight and tools and techniques, and anything that I can to be more practical for the people that I’m serving. So really joining her group was a little bit for myself, but it was more two-fold in that I was wanting to learn more in the practical techniques and tips that I could use for other people.
Sze Wing:	So tell us about that Facebook post that you posted, because people don’t know where we’re starting from. So tell us about that post and what push to encourage you to do that.
Alex:	Yeah. So an honest actual post that we are all invited to describe or just to explain our stories and to introduce ourselves. And for me, I have a story of where I’ve come from and what had gone through in the adversity that I faced. And so I always feel that I like to share that story with other people because I feel that if I can inspire others that are feeling less than, or not worthy enough, or feeling whatever they faced in their life is dictating the rest of their lives. And that they’re more in a victim mentality, or they’re feeling less than, or they’re pursuing their life in a negative fashion based off of what they have experienced. It’s kind of a way for me to explain my story and hoped that I might help someone or inspire someone to change the course and trajectory of their lives. So when I introduced myself, it was me describing my story, and where I’ve come from, and the adversity that I faced in hopes that I could inspire maybe one person out there through my story. And just to tell them a little bit and gain a little insight into where I’ve been.
Sze Wing:	Oh, so what’s the story?
Alex:	I know. Right, right. Like, “Tell us the story.” So yeah. So at about the age of six, I developed a condition, a very mysterious condition called hemifacial atrophy. It’s also referred to as Romberg syndrome. So at around 1985, when I was six years old, I ended up noticing a slight bluish cast under my left eye. And my orthodontist noticed it as well and it was something very, very subtle. And we slowly see that part of my left face started to atrophy. It actually it was thinner than the right side of my face and so very mysterious. And we’ve visited a lot of doctors and that’s when we found out that I had this condition. They don’t know what causes it. They think now that it might be autoimmune, something that with a blow to the head or a virus that actually triggers this autoimmune response. So, unfortunately, for me at that point, they didn’t intervene until your face stops growing. So I wasn’t able to have plastic surgery until my face stopped growing. So I have to basically have my face stop growing, withering away. And I wasn’t able to start my first surgery until I was a teenager. So it was some really rough years. As you can imagine in elementary school when children don’t really care to ask, “What’s wrong with your face?” or just having experience feeling that. And looking in the mirror and watching that happens slowly over the years was really hard for me. And my mom was always– and continues to be a very positive person. And so we heard that I only needed one surgery and then my face would be perfect. Afterwards, we believed that. And I will never forget when she sat me down on the couch and she said, “Alexandra, you’re going to have surgery but then after that, we’ll be done.” And I cried. I was very upset about it but I thought, “You know what? My face will be perfect. It’s okay.” And unfortunately, what ended up happening was I ended up getting what’s called flap surgery. So they basically took that from my back and they actually put it in the left side of my face and connected the blood vessels so it would actually live there and remain there as if that it always been there before. And unfortunately, at that time, they put more fat in your face because if some of it reabsorbed, that at least the amount that they wanted there would be symmetrical to the right side. So when I went back to school, my face was completely swollen. I had what’s called popcorns on your face so they don’t like to put stitches directly on your face because you might scar. So they put like a piece of something and then they suture around it. I had them all over my face. And at the time, the doctor had said, “Oh, you can go back to school.” And I thought, “With this face?” I can’t. Yeah. I mean thinking back to where I’m like, “Really?” That’s why I was homeschooled for a while. And unfortunately, it ended up absorbing. And I ended up getting an infection too and so it reabsorbed by my chin. And it wasn’t enough, and it wasn’t comparable to the right side. So I went back to the doctor and he told me that I would have to have another huge surgery, and I broke down in his office. And it wasn’t until that point that the doctor actually recommended another doctor that actually specializes in this condition that he had known about the whole time. And he basically forwarded it us disinformation. So I ended up having to start with another doctor and go through that again another flap, it’s called. And so that it took back from the other side of my back and did the same exact thing. And what I thought would end up being one more surgery ended up being many and I lost count at some point. It’s been over a dozen surgeries. I’d had my jaws broken, my lips connected. Just all sorts of things. And obviously, my face is still not symmetrical. But it definitely was a lot growing up through those years.
Sze Wing:	Wow. we can all take a breath to let that sink in because when you talked to someone like Alex you just met her online. You know she has gone through something. But when you explain in details, everybody needs to take a breath because it is a lot to just absorb and think about wow, because– I mean as women, we can relate that you got physical pain, but you also got emotional pain. And you start it at such a young age. And you have to go to such a long period of dealing with this. So it’s almost a no-brainer that you’d be interested in personal development because you don’t– I don’t know. Where is the guiding light, right? So I have a couple of question that I’m really curious to know. One is that I tend to talk about hero journey a lot, like how we all go through challenges and overcome, and transform, and become a better version of ourselves. But you said in such a young age. Obviously, we’ll have to mature quickly because this is a lot of things to process. But sometimes, at this point, do you ask what is the mystery in this universe? Do you tend to or used to ask why it’s happening to me? Mel Robbins often talked about what’s the message in the mess, right?
Sze Wing:	And for you, do you question or wonder what’s the mystery in this? And what do you think you have gained so far as a woman?
Alex:	Yeah. I think it comes down to, I was very curious in the answer to that question. I have researched the answer to that question because I thought, “What makes the difference?” What makes the difference in someone experiencing adversity and it knocking them down to the ground? And I’m never being able to get up. And it just dictates the rest of their life, and they live in this victim mentality. My life stinks. And the rest of their life is ruined because of this as opposed to someone that actually can grow from it and out level from it. And I think that a huge part of me being able to persevere and take something away with this is a couple of things. I think it really from a young age, two parents especially, my father was all about, “We can learn from our experiences.” He comes from another country speaking English was a second language, and he was extremely successful. And so having that as a role model and seeing that in my life and my sister’s and I that you know what? It doesn’t matter where you come from. Poverty. You’re poor. You’re moving to another country. You hardly speak the language. And yet, he was able to persevere and his work ethic was really what took him to the next level. And it allowed me to see there is so much control we have over our lives and that it’s really not what we go through, but it’s really the way that we react to what we go through that dictates the rest of our lives. And so seeing him having grown from that place and being poor and doing what he needed to do and actually taking the reins on his life and completely turning it around, as a role model, was huge for me to see that. And so knowing that I have that control.
Alex:	I think also, the second piece, is really just who you surround yourself with. So important that we surround ourselves with the people that really, despite our faults and our flaws, see the best in us. And so I was lucky enough to have two older sisters and two parents that didn’t make my facial condition a thing and make me feel like I was less than. They always saw and took the time to get to know me and bring out the best in me and my strengths and allow me to be myself without feeling like I had this problem. And I feel like even my friends, I keep in touch with, my best friends are ones from when I was younger, and those are the people that really, wherever I was in life and the surgeries that I was going through and my face half-swollen and feeling like I looked ugly on the outside, I always felt like they saw the inside of me and that made me feel like I was important and felt worthy. And knowing that was huge in allowing myself to persevere and really to just take the reins and allow me to realize that life happens to you, but really it’s just surrounding yourself with the right people and choosing to focus on the positive in those hard times.
Sze Wing:	Yeah. And I think what you also touched on is that you learned to grow up to be really real and grounded very early on because you said those people who are supportive, who are compassionate and become your really good friend, it’s because they see beyond whatever is outside. And they have to come an understanding, like a soul to soul level, to see, “Well, she’s experienced physical challenges, but I see who she is inside,” and if they become your friend, it’s because they recognize that light. And I think it’s so interesting in that sense that this day was focused so much on our outside development, how we’re being perceived by the world, how we look like on Instagram social media, what kind of measure of success, what we have achieved. The inside development is actually a very different layer, because over the years when you’re overcoming your adversity, you obviously have to develop within you and also knowing who are your friends and how they see through it, and together it’s definitely an inner growth journey. So at what point you really realize it is not just about the outside battle? Because there is the pain, and when there’s a pain you take painkillers, you take medication, or you do the outside thing. But the inner work, what really makes a difference in your life to work on the inside part?
Alex:	Yeah, I think that, really, when you talk about at what point did I realize, I don’t think there was really a point. I think it was a very gradual change. So when I was younger and when I was in the trenches and I was in the throe of this all, it was horrible. It was really hard for me. There were many days where I looked in the mirror and I was like, “Wow. Why? Why me? Why does my face look like this?” And I think that over the years, I just became more accepting of myself. I chose to focus on not just my strengths, but I chose to accept myself. And meeting people and realizing that we all have flaws and seeing my friends and every one of us go through something, and experiencing feeling less than. Sure, I might look different on the outside. But as I got older, I realized, wow, so many of us experience it, feeling less than. It’s not just because of what I look like on the outside, but it’s what they’re feeling on the inside whether it’s them growing up in a family where they felt like, “Gosh. Our family is hush-hush.” You can’t tell anyone because there’s an alcoholic in our family or someone growing up with anxiety.
Alex:	I realized since I got older that we all feel that. We, to some degree, feel like that. And even as coaches, we feel like that. To be a coach, some people think, “Oh, you have to have it all together.” We’re always growing. We’re always working on ourselves. There are days where I don’t feel wonderful about myself. But it’s really an act of trying to come from a place of acceptance and to constantly be growing and learning about ourselves. And to really question that voice that’s telling us that, “I’m not pretty enough,” “I’m not good enough,” questioning that and asking ourselves.
Alex:	And so I think that through meeting other people and realizing that you really all do have that inner critique or those limiting beliefs and stories to tell made me realize, “Wow. I feel so lucky in this aspect of my life.” Like, “Sure, I might feel unlucky because of what I went through. I feel so lucky that I grew up in a functional family and I didn’t have to deal with feeling fearful of going home. I feel so lucky about not experiencing mental illness.” And so once I realized that so many of us have those feelings, that was a huge piece for me.
Alex:	Also, even meeting my husband was a huge thing. I mean, when I met my husband, I mean, that was a huge awakening to me. I will never forget. I had planned surgery before I even met him. And I was so scared to even continue dating him because I thought to myself, “I feel wonderful that he’s accepted me for the way that I look, but now I’m going to have to have a surgery.” And believe it or not, after surgery, I actually felt more insecure because you get used to what your face looks even if it’s not the way that it should be. And so just even a change in what my face looked like, it was a blow to my self-esteem. And those days after, it took a while for me to get used to this new face or this new change. And so I almost wanted to stop dating him because I felt like, “Wow. What’s he going to think?”
Alex:	And I will never forget when I went over there, and I didn’t want to come over after, so I said, “No. Let’s wait for a few days.” He said, “Come over. I want to see you. I’ve missed you.” And I went over there. And I will never forget it. I left there that day feeling like a supermodel [laughter]. He made me feel like he did not see anything, nothing that I have gone through. Literally, my eye was swollen when I went over there. It was as if he didn’t even notice it. And that’s when I’m like, “Wow. This is a keeper.”
Sze Wing:	Well, I’ve got so many questions. But I think one of the things I really want to remind people is that we really cannot compare challenges. So as in some people who have managed, okay, let’s say two women go through a divorce. One of them could be totally devastated, stuck into the black hole because of different reasons, external, internal. But we cannot compare the magnitude of someone’s challenge. And I think that’s in learning how to become more compassionate to ourselves and others because you can’t compare these things. Everybody experience it differently, and how they come out from it so differently. And that’s one thing. And I really appreciate the way you talk about it.
Sze Wing:	And then another thing was definitely, I thought when you talked about your husband, I was like, “Wow. He must be a really amazing guy.” Because with you having so many inner, outer struggle, you will come out super real as a person. You’re going to see beyond all this BS with people [laughter], right? And he got to be a real catch for you to think, “This is going to work,” because we’re talking real business here. So I’m not surprised you told me about the story.
Sze Wing:	Now, the next thing I want to ask you is that you’re a mom, right?
Alex:	Yes.
Sze Wing:	So that must be another journey, I mean, it’s not that you were overly focused on yourself. I won’t say that. But obviously, make you really think about, “How am I going to resolve my problem?” But then, I don’t know, if I become a mother, I think everything I go through, I still have to go through them. So tell us about what you have learned to become a mother and tell us about it, journey or– does this surprises you? This is a different challenge. Again, we cannot compare, but [laughter].
Alex:	Yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. I mean, I talk about this constantly, about the fact that once I became a mother, wow. It’s just a whole other world out there. But just wondering, “Am I doing the right thing for them? Am I creating more stress for them? Am I responding in the right way that’s going to bring them to their best selves and to allow them really to be stronger and resilient?” And I think that having gone through what I’ve been through, it’s funny, but for me, I really want to create– or I want to allow them to realize, A, how wonderful they are, really to be able to emotionally– for me, when I became a mother, it was the emotional component that really was something that I focused on, emotionally them being their best selves, and to be more resilient and to be more courageous. And so a huge part of becoming a mother very hard. I have twins. So it was twins. And people would say, “I don’t know how you’re doing it.” And it’s like, “Well, I don’t really have a choice in the matter.”
Sze Wing:	You have to do it [laughter].
Alex:	You just have to do it. And it really becomes survival mode. It was like the first two years were really survival mode. And I’ll never forget when someone asked me. They said, “Wow. Well, how often are they sleeping?” And I thought to myself, “That would require them to really be sleeping for a period of time. Then I could actually tell you it’s happening this often [laughter].” But then it was like one’s waking up. The other’s waking up. And before you set a schedule, we put them both on the same schedule. It was chaos in our house. But as a mom, I think it was really hard becoming a mother because I was always questioning myself. Am I doing the right thing for them? Is this the best way? Am I spending enough time with them? And there was a lot of that mom bit, especially being a working mother, just going to work and feeling like I’m juggling and balancing that in the correct way. And that was a really tough one for me. I think I was very hard on myself when I became a mother and judgmental. And I think that, as the years have gone by, I’ve become so much more accepting of what I’m doing as a mother and not deeming things as right or wrong. But a huge motto for me with the twins, I’m doing the best with what I have. I was just saying that I am doing the best with what I have. I’m doing the best. I’m a mother. I can’t expect perfection in myself and to know all the answers. So that was huge for me in helping me feel like, “Okay. I’m doing the best that I can. I have good intentions. I have their hearts in my mind. And I’m doing what I think is important for them and the best course of action.”
Sze Wing:	It’s like if we know better, we would do better. And we don’t know better. We just got to give you what we got [laughter]. I found it with coaches. I think one of the common things for those who become a coach because they have the interest that the tendency is that when you become a coach, you train to be a coach. I think two things. One is that resilience. What you said early on, we may not get all together every day 24/7. I often say people, we are not an enlightened master like a Buddha. We aren’t. But I think the thing is that when the baby’s crying and everybody tired, we act crazy too. But it’s the fact that we have better resilience. We with bounce back quicker. And we understand it’s just temporary. We can go. So we can come back to ourselves much quicker because of the training but also the attitude what make us want to be a coach in the first place. And anything about that I find, as being a coach, we have the acceptance mentality as well. We know better. We would do better. And we do that to other people. I see my little girl doing things that I completely disagree with. Well, if she knew better, she wouldn’t have done it. Or sometimes, they just have to learn through their own mistakes. So I think that the acceptance piece is also important because it’s the same with working with our clients. I mean, you can’t just, say something is bad for you.” I can’t do that. They have to realize that themselves. So I think that’s kind of what drew us to become coaches. And I see that in a lot of coaches’ life as well. And I think that was a way that you bring that up. And so what I want to ask you next is that– okay, first of all, so many questions. So this one, I wanted to actually– so, to me, as a mother– I’m pregnant, by the way, and I have always–
Alex:	Oh. Congratulations. Wow.
Sze Wing:	So my hormones can go crazy. And sometimes, I have anxiety, it can be crazy like I worry about the safety and the health and all that stuff with my daughter, for instance, or my baby in my belly. And so if you’ve gone through that, do you also experience the feeling of anxiety and you catch yourself because you have experienced something challenging and you don’t want that to happen to your daughter. Or do you think you’re very equipped in terms of dealing with it and helping them? How does it work for you? I assume as a mom, when you’re pregnant or after, you have this anxiety, were you worry about your daughters?
Alex:	Right. Oh, gosh.
Alex:	When they’re that little, there is those fear about, “Oh, are they breathing?”
Alex:	Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I think that when you talk about that, it’s like the first step really is to become aware of it. And it’s like I think that awareness is key and I think for many of us, when the negative feelings or the bad feelings “surface”, we look at them as bad feelings. And really, feelings are not bad feelings, they are neutral and it’s really our reaction to them. And I realize this later in life and when I became a life coach, it was huge for me because I actually had an experience when I was wanting to become a life coach where I enlisted the help of a mentor; a wonderful life coach. And what I thought was he would actually be my mentor and he ended up being more of a life coach to me and it was a huge eye-opener for me. Within a half an hour being on my first real coaching session, I was in tears with him because I realized that I was trying so hard to be strong and I had identified through so many years with someone that was really strong that when I experienced what I considered to be a weak feeling of sadness of embarrassment and of rejection, I pushed it away. I pushed it away and I ignored it.
Alex:	And as we know as coaches, that only gives it more power and even the feeling of anxiety. When we look at anxiety as our brain’s way of trying to tell us something of a thank you. Thank you. And my brain is doing what it was meant to do. It thinks that we are alive years ago and it’s trying to keep me safe. And so really not coming from a place of judging our emotions, anxiety or whatever might be as something negative, but really thinking it and acknowledging it for what it is. And what are they trying to tell us and they’re coming more from a place of curiosity and what is this trying to tell me and really feeling our feelings. And so when I’ve experienced anxiety myself, it’s like, “Oh, okay. Here it is again.” And more of as a person that’s observing it and like, “Here’s the anxiety. Let’s prop it up again.” And like, “What is trying to tell me?” And try to figure out what that is that it’s trying to tell me and not be judgemental and embrace it and the more that I’ve accepted the feelings, the sadness and the anxiety, the more likely it is to leave me faster than if I try to push it away.
Sze Wing:	I like your response. And two things: one is that is really a good demonstration of powerful coaching can do for you because it’s about uncovering something and I’ll get you to look at something that maybe it’s hard to recognize before. And the second thing is I find hen a negative feeling of worry comes up, I used to look at it in two camps: is it my hormones and crazy things because I’m stressed out and is it valid, or is it delusional?
Alex:	Right.
Sze Wing:	sometimes I look it, “Okay, is this something I need to be mindful of is it because something has a red flag and I didn’t deal with it and this is something we need to do constructively to make things better,” so I tend to– when I get back to my mind, I tend to rationalize that, but yeah. I found what you said was quite helpful and especially leading into the work of a coach and I guess that probably inspired you to want to be a coach [inaudible] [by the way?].
Alex:	Yes, definitely. For me, it’s always been if anyone– whenever it was years ago or even just now within the couple of years that I became a coach, it literally pained me when I see people struggling and for what reason I think that I’ve definitely been more interested in the confidence only because it’s something that I struggle with and I felt like that’s a place that I can connect with someone and I can give them tips or whatever it is that I feel based off of what I’ve gone through, so I felt like, okay, more of an expert in that area have been there but in any way– anyone struggling whether it’s [inaudible] or feeling less than or just going through a hard time. As coaches, it’s you want to help them however it is that it needs to be. You realize, as a coach, and it’s kind of what you were saying before but it’s really just allowing that safe space for them to just express their feelings. We all want to be heard. We all have a story that we want to tell and it’s through actually talking about it and talking about our anxiety or talking about the shame that we feel that we could actually move past it but it’s like, well, we’re not talking about it. When it’s just being pushed down, it will constantly come out and, sure, it might not come out in the verbalization of the problems that we’re experiencing but it will manifest in other ways that are dysfunctional and detrimental to our mental health to our physical health even when I was talking about working with my coach.
Alex:	Sure, I was able to help people when I was going through a really tough time and when I say tough time, dealing with some family situations that were going on and trying to help out other people that were going through really horrible times and that was really hard for me. And as an empath and someone trying to help out someone, when you feel that you can’t help someone, it really pays a toll on your well-being and I just remember even in the midst of going through that– whereas most people would set healthy boundaries– even if someone came up to me, I felt the need to help them. “Someone needs my help. I need to help them,” and through gaining insight with my own coach I realized, no, it’s not selfish to put your needs first. It’s not selfish to say to other people. It’s not selfish to think about yourself first before you actually help out your children, your husband, your friends. And so having that place to actually discuss my feelings was huge for me and being able to move past that and to actually live my life but you never know what’s going on underneath. You might be able to help out people but at the expense of the health of your sanity of all the stuff that we don’t actually see but really is happening underneath.
Sze Wing:	Yeah, and I think the analogy a lot of people use is that when a cup is half full or half empty. It’s hard for you to do quality work and really help people in a way you already burned out, so I think that’s why we like this profession because I think it helps us and you also help us to help other people and so that’s why it’s so valuable. So now going back to the Best Decade Ever. So if you can, share with us what are your top dreams. I mean, you don’t have to give us the five but because in the program we always have to write down our top five dreams and sometimes certain item comes and goes and some things tend to stay. So what are your top dreams?
Alex:	I would have to say my top dream is to continue with the coaching but to take it a step further and do motivational speaking going into schools and allowing women and girls to realize their confidence. And that really, it’s something that– it’s not that they’re born with it but it’s really a skill that they could work on. So really, through my story, I would love to get into school systems, even corporations, just in the community, and just share my story and hopes of helping out other people. So the motivation speaking thing, it’s huge, and that’s definitely on my radar. And then, also, a huge thing is financial freedom. And when I say financial freedom– once I became a mother, and I’m sure you can attest to this too, the reasoning was my children. And my parents, I was so lucky that they really valued education, getting a master’s degree and my sister going to law school. And so, having that, and not having to worry about the stress of hanging off with student loans, and knowing that wherever we want to go, we could go there, we travelled and experienced the world. I want that for my daughters too. So that’s a huge part of why I want that financial freedom for them.
Sze Wing:	Wow. Yeah. And I think what I love about the program – and we do that too at school, just to say – you ask people to dream and think about what really matters to them. And also, push yourself– before we came on recording this interview, I asked Alex about being– stepping out of the comfort zone. Because I know that even though you sound so great in the interview right now, and people probably think, “Oh. But it’s easy for her to do motivational speaking.” But actually, sometimes, things are not what it seems. Because a lot of introverts appear to be fantastic speakers, you just didn’t know they’re introvert. I mean, you don’t know how they are really, as in comfortable or not, especially when they start a speaking career. So tell us a little bit about how to step out from your comfort zone from your experience. Because I think people think, “Oh. It’ll be easy for Alex to be a motivational speaker,” but actually, maybe not. So let’s talk about comfort zones.
Alex:	Yes. I mean, I have to say I love that you’re bringing this up because part of building confidence is getting out of your comfort zone. And that’s something that I’ve discussed time and time again and it’s one of my favourites. And I think the reason why it’s one of my favourites is I’ve realized, since putting myself out and doing the Instagram lives and doing the Instastories and doing the Facebook lives, I will tell you right now, that it was extremely hard for me. It was so hard for me. And literally, my heart was pounding. When I got on my first Facebook live, I was so nervous. And I just kept thinking to myself, and I’ll never forget this, but when I was going through my coaching degree, one of the women who was coaching me said, “If you’re so worried about yourself, you’re not going to be able to give of yourself the way that you want to.” And that was stuck with me.
Alex:	Yeah, yeah. And it’s like okay, put my feelings to the side. Sure, I might have a racing heart and my palms are sweaty, but if I don’t do this, then I can’t tell other people to do it as well. If I’m going to tell people to put themselves out of their comfort zone, I need to do it myself. So I will never forget my first Facebook live because I was so happy with the fact that I did it, and that was such a good feeling of confidence for me, even as a confidence coach. I just thought, “Wow, I did something that required me to feel so fearful, but I did it anyway. And so for anyone that’s listening, I just would hope that they would think– because it’s so easy to say, “Oh, they do this all the time. It’s easy for them.” It was not easy for me at all. And even to this day, there are times where I’m getting on here, and I’m nervous. And I’m thinking, “Okay, am I going to say the right thing?” But the key is, you know what, you just do it anyway. If something is good for your goals, for you, to better yourself, and to make you a better person which is ultimately going to make the people around you experience betterness in their life, then you just have to say yes. It’s like you just have to learn to start saying yes to things that you know are good for you even though you might be scared. Because there are many people out there that are doing what we’re doing, and they felt the same way that I felt, but they’re still doing it. And so here I am now, I mean, I wouldn’t think that I feel like this during an interview, but having done and put myself out there and out of my comfort zone has allowed me to not only build my confidence in this fashion but to now be able to do this without feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack.
Sze Wing:	I think it’s two things. One is that, well, you say it’s we need to think about it’s not about you, it’s about your message, it’s how you’re going to help people. When you get that out of the way, it’s easier because we worry about our performance. But if our message and what we want to do is bigger than our fear of how we look and come across, then that should really win the battle. And if not, then we need to think about it. And the second thing I think is that it’s starting small because the only way to get more comfortable is to do a little Facebook Live five minutes, and maybe do an interview letter because you have two-person talking. So you’re not just doing a solo. Small steps make a huge difference. Like writing when I work on my book. You don’t think about writing 50 or 75 thousand words, you think about writing five because once you start to have a little action done, a little momentum, you start rolling, right? And I think that that’s really important to bear in mind. And kudos to you because I know you do actually quite a lot of Facebook Live now and got so many likes and comments and people responding. And if you don’t go put yourself out there, you don’t know how people are going to respond and you wouldn’t get that confidence back as in, “Oh, people are resonating with me.” So that’s so many benefits of just doing it starting small. And people really– I mean, look how Alex– she actually said it was actually uncomfortable for her and nobody would have guessed. They just did his interview and nothing else.
Alex:	I have to say I love what you’re saying now and it’s so spot on. I think that a lot of times we look at say someone that’s public speaking and they’ve done it for so long, we tend to compare ourselves to those people and we think that is not us. Like “I am not that person. I can’t get up there.” And it’s like the second that we make that decision that that’s not us, our actions are actually being– they back that up. And it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Oh, I’m not that person that gets on there,” so then guess what ends up happening? I’m not going to do a Facebook Live. And then guess what happens? We’re not doing it. And then what ends up happening? “Oh. Okay. See, I told I told myself that I’m not that kind of person.” But if we accept the fact that regardless of how scared we are and fearful, that no matter what we’re going to do it, we’ll eventually through our small actions. The small little, tiny ones. We don’t have to be so overwhelmed with the huge, big picture that we want to see or that we see for ourselves. It’s one little step. One tiny, little step. I remember watching this one Will Smith video talking about exactly that. He’s been so successful, and his father said like, you build a house like it’s not just bam, the house is built. One brick slowly lay it at a time. Slowly, each thing, and then before you know it, voila, you have your house. So I think that a lot of people are so overwhelmed with the prospect of following their dreams because they seem so huge and overwhelming. But when you say it like that, which is so true, it’s like a tiny little step each day, eventually over time will lead to huge dramatic shifts in your life.
Sze Wing:	Yeah, totally. And talk about Will Smith. I love some of the things that he said in an interview he told the reporter that, “Look, someone may be better looking than me, acting better than me, taller, handsome or younger, older, whatever more experienced than me, but in terms of competing, in terms of the effort, I’ll be on this treadmill from the beginning to the end. You will have to kill me before I give up.” And I think it was so adorable because he really emphasized that it’s not just about talent or given opportunities, that you put your effort. And we’re not saying you got to kill yourself every day, but little effort counts. And what you just said as well, it’s incredibly important to put yourself out there no matter how small and don’t compare yourself, and then you will see the results. And from there every day, step by step to build up. So I think we can talk about everything the whole day non-stop because it’s so fun.
Alex:	Yeah, that is true.
Sze Wing:	But we got to wrap this up. And I think if people are really keen to connect with you or have a conversation and get coaching from you, what’s the best way for them to contact you?
Alex:	Yeah, I would say the best way and the easiest one to remember is through my Facebook or my Instagram. And through there, they could actually get my website link, but Coaching with Alexandra. So it’s pretty hard to remember. On Instagram, it’s coaching with Alexandra, the same thing on Facebook. So if they want to find me there, they can, and then through there, they could actually go for my website.
Sze Wing:	Sounds great. And I will put the link on the blog post too. if you’re listening to podcasts, you click on the detail, link as well. So I will do that so it will be easier for people to find you. “Coaching with Alexandra”. So thank you so much for today. It has been really great talking to you.
Alex:	Yeah, this is so much fun.
Sze Wing:	We can talk about everything. Although I wish we can take in questions.
Alex:	Right?
Sze Wing:	Yeah, one step at a time. So Fantastic. Thank you so much.
Alex:	Thank you. Thank you for having me

70. Embrace Adversity with Heart & Courage: Interview with Alexandra Gould

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